she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
we should paint friendship bongs
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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