you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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