Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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