I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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