She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
