smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize