gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
