Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
