I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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