i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
