I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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