I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
