I'm going to jail i love you
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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