giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize