I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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