fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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