i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
