is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
