remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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