The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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