I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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