fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
