I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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