I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
