I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
