Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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