I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
