Cold hands, warm shart.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
