you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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