Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
