Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
