Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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