kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
