Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
