Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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