What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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