I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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