Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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