You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
