I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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