Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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