i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
