sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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