i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
