I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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