dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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