Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
