**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
