I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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