I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
