I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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