I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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