I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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