and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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