You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
