I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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