Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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