FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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